| trevor's profiletrevor's homePhotosBlogLists |  Tools  Help |
|
September 14 Fear or Laziness An aside to my previous entry:
In the movie 'Waking Life' one of the discussions is about whether laziness or fear is the greatest hinderence to development of human consciousness. I've always wondered about this statement and I suspect that laziness itself is not seperate from fear, but a symptom of it. I think that laziness & inaction come from the act of not caring, which in turn comes from the act of not wanting to open yourself up, which is really the fear of allowing your consciousness into a situation.
If one is tired, one may be lazy because they don't feel they have the strength to enforce the mental walls they are used to upholding when going about the world. Choosing to enter a situation without those walls in the first place frees up more energy to experience the situation when you may have turned away previously. Things to RememberIf I am ever feeling anxious, weak, or simply lost, I want to remember these things:
The essence that is truly me as an individual craves peace. Peace and understanding allow me to thrive and feel happy & content.
I must recognize that acting any way contrary to this truth will bring me all the ills I fear. As soon as I divide myself and tell myself that an egoic aspect of myself is more important than this truth, happiness will dissolve and fear, discontentment, stress and apathy will grow.
It is a simple concept but one difficult to keep in constant action & motion. Yet I beleive it to be the one best for achieving great happiness. June 19 new blogI have a couple new blog entries on my tribe.net blog at http://people.tribe.net/trevorj
I'm trying to keep that one based on educational material I seek out.
-trevor June 06 good day's workI'm laying on my bed passing in and out of consciousness, half-napping and half listening to my roomate and his buddy conversate over some beers in front of the game. They just finished the local college's applied plumbing course and are sharing stories about tools, work, employers and careers. For my roomate this new direction he's taken is one of many options he's got as a young adult. For his friend, the story is a little more interesting. Norm is a 40-something year old NewFoundLander living on the West Coast for the first time. He's found a like-hearted group of friends in my roomate and myself and several others. He's been raised from humble, if not troubled beginnings and has been searching for that leg-up to get him: "what i rightfully deserves'!" And all he said was "That was a good day's work here today." He's so excited to be working. So excited to have a trade, to have a profession, a title, a job and a purpose. So excited to be able to focus on making a living on his own terms. It's a simple statement but coming from him it has more weight, its a pure statement of satisfaction - something I too crave and desire. So I ask myself, "What would I consider a good day's work?". What would leave me at the end of the day, satisfied and content? Spent and empty, yet full of pride and commitment?
I've searched in my mind through all of the jobs I should or could do. Through all of the qualities that inspire me. The environment, health, spirituality, social work, writing, not-for-profits, music, etc, etc, etc. I think that the quality that I most desire is working for the future. I have always been a dreamer. It is my resting state - to dream. But I am also a builder, creative and constructive. All I have to find is my vision. My vision for a unified and unique future. A new step for the people around me; the abundant, wealthy, intelligent & educated, creative, moral people around me. We live in a heaven here in the west. The vast majority of us are wealthy beyond belief. We live in the comfort of our stable homes with all our basic necessities ready at the flick of a switch. Of course there is poverty within our own society relative to our wealth but, when comparing our overall abundance to those in other parts of the world dying of thirst and starvation, we are a utopia.
But where can we go from here? How can we use our blessed circumstances and set a higher bar for the future? How can we provide our own beacon of light to the rest of the world, set an example and expand our perspective even wider?
I need to find the tangible form of these thoughts and dreams. Only then can I sleep better, only then can I breath easier, and connect to the present the way I am guided to do so. May 23 my quotethere is a person who stands directly between idealism and ignorance; i want to be him May 17 hipoemOne Cell KNew one new cell one new boy one new man one new mind one new thought one new eye one knew so one saw one one saw her once was enough i see me in you but not me, my equal my same and my opposite my yang and my yin i'm her, she's him April 08 CapricornI have asked myself so many times what it is I want to work toward, what is it that I ultimately want to BE in life. It is difficult for me to avoid getting sucked into the idea that a material profession is what I should work towards. Like, for instance, once I become a doctor I will be happy and can call myself a good person. A part of me knows that no matter what title I have, how much money I make, and what circles of friends I may be a part of, that these are all things that only create a sterotypical identity for me and that they are not my heart and soul. They don't represent the living compassion within and my feelings that yearn for peace, understanding and unity among all people and all living things. So what I want to work toward is really clearing the path ahead of me from all the things that I give into as distractions. Things I do that are selfish. Choices I make that usually give me temporary relief or satisfaction but ultimately create regret for me when I look at myself in the mirror in times of peace and quiet. I know that I've learned a lot of my recurrent patterns from my social upbringing. But as I get older, it feels like the guiding voice inside me is growing a bit louder and a bit stronger. All I want to do is honour that voice. When I honour that voice, everything else seems to co-operate in it's own unique way as well. -trevor October 17 good willtoday at work my mind was racing and i had to make it stop. at one point i dropped some jam (it didn't break) and i had to stop and take a deep breath and make myself relax. it pointed out to me that i do have a correct instinct. i do know the 'good' thing to do at most times throughout the day. i know that there are some subtle and some not so subtle choices that i make all day long and when i routinely make the 'wrong' choice or path of least resistance or apparent least resisitance, this further ingrains my bad habits into my personality. but as in any positive expansion, making the choice that feels 'right' and continuing to do so gives you a sense of happiness, that you have kind of given something to yourself, i guess you've given yourself trust. anyway i think its something to pay attention to and learn to cultivate so that i can become the person i want to be sooner! ;-) June 28 Another Poemok here is a very basic poem i just penned ;-) read it sloooowly, esp. the repetition Ebb & Flow Everything that we know follows the rule that goes: ebb & flow ebb & flow The Yes, the No The doubt may be so But it ebbs & it flows it ebbs & it flows We dream for tomorrow We fear our lack of control But if we listen to the ebb and we start feeling the flow We're beginning to know We're beginning to know I've spent much time pondering felt such pain in my heart breaking rules I didn't know of the ebb & the flow the ebb & the flow But as I look into my past And I continue to grow My only teacher has ever been: the ebb & the flow the ebb & the flow May 24 Quick PoemYay I finally got up early and cleaned my room! now all my mess is sorted into piles! recyclable paper, old cheque stubs, miscellanous thoughts/writings on papers, mp3 cd's, regular cd's books, cards, common ground newspapers, misc papers and articles i want to keep, wow so much stuff! Ok so here is a journal/poem I found that I wrote a few weeks ago: The Heart Says Yes, the Mind Says No The most beautiful thing I saw today was a big red ball painted on the front of a child's t-shirt. Just because it was a fleeting glimpse and the shirt was so simple and I'll never see the child again. Capture me! I am the beauty you see, I am the wind in the trees, the leaves turning greener each day, sun continuing to play and pay visits to the elderly, young and arrogant, ignorant and malevolent. Seeking me is paddling up-river, staring into a mirror, grasping for your own soul, intent on qualifying it, not bathing in it or spinning around in it getting dizzier and dizzier until you sneeze... My mind is the tyrant, the razor, the misunderstood. Yes it is misunderstood, misused even, abused even. Maybe the world is cold and cutting without Gravity, the Gravity of the heart. May 15 StrengthI've been thinking about strength today. About dealing with Fear. I can be quite afraid of the unknown or the projected. I have a very low tolerance for Fear, I have a very thin skin. I lay back in protection or seclution to hide from potential pain but also so much potential pleasure. I need to develop my boundaries. In my early life I don't think I ever developed a sense of strength. Maybe my mother would always protect me, I don't know. But it is something everyone needs. You must have a sense of strength to learn the balance of power and surrender. March 10 Spring in the Air?Well I haven't updated in a while here. I have to admit I am feeling a lot better after my recent vactation to Hawaii! for my cousin Shane's wedding. It was just the break I needed to put the depressing Winter behind me (even though it snowed today!) heheh. Yes the holiday was fun and I would like to go back to Hawaii if I get the chance and do things a little differently. We really didn't have enough time to make some over night excursions to some of the less tourist-oriented sites but we did have fun where we were. But I was so happy to be back at home too. I do really like it here in Victoria, it is so beautiful and there are so many young people and so many beautiful women! It was a stark contrast to seeing just overweight american retirees and newlyweds in Hawaii haha! In a way I was almost waiting for this trip and to move on when I got back...I had consciously and sub-consciously held off from making any plans until the trip was over and maybe that was part of what kept me in hibernation mode. On a more touchy-feely note ;) I am just feeling more ME. I'm not really sure how to explain it. It kind of started when I was in the plane ride home and I was thinking about how throughout most of the holiday I wasn't as social as I wanted to be, I kept holding back. And I guess I made a decision to try and bring more of me into the world, to say things that were on my mind more, to be more involved with people. So maybe that part has just been easier during the rest of the week and I'm getting used to it? It doesn't sound like a big thing but for once in a while I'm not consumed with thoughts of how I can feel better in the future because I am feeling pretty good about myself right now. So now I am thinking about work and getting a new job or at least focusing on a new career and putting some energy towards that on a day to day basis. I really want to be involved in something postive. Community work, environmentalism, education...its hard to decide where to focus. But let me know of any ideas if you have any please! -trevor January 14 party and bull$hitwell not quite. maybe its more like "be nice & have fun". i had a very intense experience the other day, i got hit by a car while riding my bike. it wasn't serious at all, it was the driver's fault and i was really careful and just got my handlebars clipped by her driver's side mirror but it was enough to wake me up out of my dream-world for a good period. if you have read this blog before, you have seen how crazy things can get inside my head. i've seemed to be a on quest to find a doctrine that protects me from actually having to be my open, sensitive and honest self throughout my life. when i got home after getting hit by that car, i couldn't help thinking about if i had been injured seriously or even killed. the sheer force of the car hitting me, even at such a minimal angle and impact really scared me. those damn things are not to be messed with and i really can't believe it hasn't happened to me before this since i've been riding around in victoria for a couple of years. it reminded me that death can come hard and swift and even at a 'young' age. being witness to my dad's, grama's and aunt's deaths in the last few years have familiarized me with dealing with the death of a loved one. but it is something completely different when you face the reality of your own death. its the famous question: what would you do if you knew you would die tomorrow? for me personally? i'm pretty sure i would regret ever being mean to anyone. i would regret not helping people out more because of my own personal excuses. where are we all racing to anyway? to our deaths? i've been so hung-up on self-improvement. so hung up on trying to develop a linear advancement of my consciousness through time that will 'someday' render me happy. what a waste of time! Be Nice, Have Fun! life is way too short for formulas and theories. January 10 challengeToday I began thinking about challenge. What challenging myself means. What challenging oneself means to anyone. I got thinking about it from reading Between A Rock And A Hard Place. Aron, the author, is so addicted to challenging himself mentally and physically. And his results are incredible. I can believe in the satisfaction he gets in throwing himself out at the world and finding himself stand up again and again. He finds meaning in stretching himself, in growing and trying and failing and accomplishing. And he has his extreme moments of bliss, of Satori - just as anyone does. I feel wasted. Wasting. Wasting my potential, the infinite depths of my capacity as a human. I think we are here to find happiness, to find meaning for ourselves. Happiness may not just be the warm bath of elation or physical pleasure. It might mean challenge. Trying ourselves against the timeless ages and faces of our planet and cosmos. It gives me hope. That maybe there is a way out of this pit of apathy and wavelessness. Out of the fear brought on by my own soft addiction to security. If I can accept that challenge is the way out, the way to positively harness the moment, maybe I can save myself. How often are you surprised at your capabilities when you have had to do something out of desperation? When you had no other choice? What reserves of energy or emotion did you pull out or bury deep? That which challenges us shows us how exponentially we really can grow. For me, getting the motivation to even choose a project, goal or desire is often the most difficult. For already, I've thought of a dozen obstacles to my target and accepted impossibility as the probable outcome. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the hidden potentialities of challenge are so infinite...that success in any endeavour is almost guaranteed. And if success in one perspective is not gained, others will have been. Choose a world of possibility, of oppourtunity, of choice, of challenge. Truly Open Your Mind. Then feel the deep happiness in being human...in tasting your potential. We are the culmination of many things...try and dance along the shores for as long as you can... December 11 respect the landi went outside for a walk to meditate on how i can make Native philosophy/spirituality relevant in today's times.
i asked myself why should i focus on giving respect to the land as a base for my personal spirituality.
it took a few moments but the answer, obviously, is that the land provides me with life. i don't know what exactly the soul is or what powers it, but i know that the body is the home of the soul and the land gives life to the body.
we have fooled ourselves quite well, though maybe unintentionally. we have made food so easily available to us here in the west, that we have forgot what effort and patience the earth has had in growing it for us.
when you remove yourself so far from something, you forget your understanding & appreciation for it.
so as a first step in spirituality, i think that it is logical to be aware and give utmost respect to that which nourishes you on your most basic biological level. if we begin to Understand the roots of that which we consume as fuel for our bodies from the land, I think this will open our hearts to true, everyday spirituality.
as we recognize the reciprocal relationship we have with nature, investing our time & respect into it will create in us a daily attitude of giving and exercise our capacity for compassion.
compassion is another word for love, and all the world needs is love!
:D
-trevor November 23 peace everywhere around youFor the past half-week or so I have been feeling very good about things.
It started on Saturday when I did some journaling and decided to write down the things I value in my life. First was friends & family, my health, my job & financial situation. Then I wrote that I value the way I turn to introspection and analysis to see whether I am on the right path. Finally was my Spirituality.
I don't remember if I ever defined my spirituality before. Perhaps it has been revised time upon time, but for this instance, this is what I chose to write: "i value my spirituality: the idea that all we do and say on the outside layer is not the final layer of things; that all things in the world have value in some way and that we should maintain a sense of humility in the core of ourselves."
That is my own truth, simply stated. I truly feel that I'm not the center of the universe, that there are many many other beautiful and strange things going on. That I am only a PART of the whole...the wonderful whole.
So I have tried to take the idea of being humble as something to model myself after. To me, being humble means awarding attention to yourself as much as you do the outside world. Being humble means not indulging in too much of either the outside or the inside because the farther you split them apart, the more alien & unnatural you feel.
I feel that this is the root of unhappiness - conceit. Simply put, we think about ourselves too much. We keep to much attention on our own interests. We don't spend the time to pay our respect to the world that exists all around us. That is why my title is 'peace everywhere around you'. It alludes to the fact that any place and any time that you can get 'out of your mind' and see from an outside perspective, you are free to become more balanced and peaceful.
-trevor November 11 cyclicallast night i was able to experience more of the feeling described by 'siddhartha' at the end of herman hesse's book.
i was able to understand that we all are, in fact, the same. each of our experiences, although superficially different from eachothers', are equal in the depth that they affect each of us. it is in our language and the way we try and relate to eachother where we see differences. but each person's individual experience is entirely subjective to him/her and maybe we should try and understand that as long as someone is here alive and experiencing and we are doing the same then we are both equal because we are both experiencing Life.
i also realised that wisdom or the pursuit or awareness of 'deeper knowledge' is not morally or any other measure 'better' than any other experience of life. i see the cycle as this:
- achievement of wisdom leads to understanding of everything - this leads to whole consciousness immersion into this everything, therein forgetting the 'widsom'. i imagine an entity fully in this state to be something like a river...wholly magnificent and immersed in its flow of life without mental consciousness 'questioning' of action. (like i do currently) - as this form of life changes vibrational frequency into more Specific Function, intelligence inevitibly arises and slowly builds up in to mental consciousness again, seeking wisdom. and the cycle repeats ad infinitum November 02 FaithMy Mantras for dealing with the infinte world:
I honour the universe and its limitlessness.
All along my way I will try to offer compassion & understanding to my guides in whatever form they come, whether aggressive or pleasurable.
I understand that to achieve my ultimate happiness my purpose in this world is to learn the lessons put before me so that I may grow stronger and more connected to my fellow beings.
-trevor this lifeSometimes I have this feeling...or maybe I always have it...that...this isn't the only life I'll have? I just don't feel that passion to run around and explore and suck up every last morsel of this earth! You would think that only given 80 years to live, one would be obsessed with venturing into new lands and trying out new things every single moment of every single day! Life is so strange!! What am I supposed to do? That seems to be all I want to know is 'what am I supposed to do?' But the answer, obviously is 'whatever I want to do'. Ah.....I think in such limited terms! Times when I've been on drugs I've seen GLIMPSES of the vastness of thought and possiblity! There IS SO MUCH! There CAN BE SO MUCH MORE! But what is what? What has more value? Value seems irrelevent to the vasteness of the universe... And apparently I think too much but...but...I do for a reason??? Is the reason to get over it?? Or really use it...??? I had similar thoughts about the vastness of the universe in july I remember...how infinite it is. I think I throw the word 'infinite' around a lot and I don't really think about what it means... Infinite means everything that is, everything that was and everything that could, should, might and will be. And it means that to the 100th power. To the infinite'th power. Thats what infinite is. Thats what the universe is... The more narrow we shape our minds & the more 'focused' we become, the less we really experience. There is infinity all around us. If we label and assign reason to things it 'de-values' our experience. Creating predicability is the greatest illusion! October 20 hidden worldThere is a hidden world beneath what you see... We seem so confused at the ever-changing world around us. Events seem to randomly happen and catch us off-guard causing us to wonder what will happen next. Its difficult to feel truly secure in such a volatile environment. For myself, much of the worry and distrust I have for my world is for the billions of people in it. I see their wants and actions as seperate and threatening to mine. They seem to look out only for themselves, blind to me. It frightens me and I feel that I have to put up walls to block out those most offensive and aggressive. Its not a happy way to live... But I realize that I, myself, am caught up in this movement too. I look past other people for my own needs. I get angry when situations don't go the way I hope. Most often I am only hoping for harmony. I am hoping to retain my comfortable environment and situation and be able to consciously and honestly communicate with those around me. Deep down I really do trust these people. But on the surface, things rarely go to plan! Chaos ensues and everyone is left confused...they only see the physical manifestation of intention...not the initial purity of intention itself... That is where I believe this hidden world lives and operates. I believe that most of us, if not all, want things to be harmonious. However deranged or radical our own personal reality is, we desire to be close to one another, close to those similar to us. We desire understanding. It is this underlying desire, this solid, common foundation among humans that is the truth we seek. It is our Divine Intention: that which lies at the base of our consciousness and directs our lives along the path we take. This is where the world IS harmonious: the world of intention. |
|
|
